I hate coming up with titles

I just don't have much to say these days. I had a relatively uneventful week. Most everything funny that has happened to me occurred in the presence of most of the people who read this. Maybe I need to quit hanging out with you people so I have something to write about that you haven't also experienced. I did spend an evening in a coworker's basement drinking beer with the "siding guy" who came to do an estimate for hanging drywall in her basement. She and my other coworker had been raving for weeks about how hot he is and they convinced me to show up at estimate time to have a look. We three women sat staring at him, elbows on our knees, hands under our chins, acting as if we were hanging on every word of his captivating stories about construction work and hunting. This went on for a couple of hours before he finally did the estimate. I'm surprised he hung around. I think I may have been a little frightened if I were him...stuck in a basement with 3 tipsy salivating women, at least one of which hasn't seen any action for a couple of months (me). I felt like we were the Witches of Eastwick, towards the end of the movie, when they take over. Or remember that Seinfeld (the Butter Shave) where Kramer bakes himself in butter in the sun and Newman likes the smell of a cooked Kramer and begins to see a turkey when he looks at Kramer and goes after him with silverware (I find that everything in my life can be connected to either Seinfeld or Scrubs)? I think maybe we resembled that. It was pathetic, seriously, but I couldn't really think of anything better to do at the time.

And some of you may not know that now the youngsters of our group have started trying to get me laid in a futile attempt to keep me from moving. Shelley's cousin John showed up towards the end of our Memorial Day party. We grown ups were out at the fire and the children were inside watching a movie. John went in the house and was interrogated by the children,who gave him an oral test to make him prove he was a relative (he apparently had never met any of them). He then asked the kids where their parents were. The twelve year old said " they're up at the campfire. You should go up there because our single friend is up there. You should date her because we don't want her to move back to Maryland". Didn't work anyhow.

I have some upcoming events to look forward to. Maybe something exciting will happen that will inspire me. But most of you will be at most of these events anyhow. I'm in a wedding on July 7th. My friend in Maryland happens to be in a wedding that day also. So the following weekend I am going to go to her house and we are going to wear our pretty dresses, drink "tea", and play croquet like naughty princesses. I bought a big hat for the occasion and I think I am going to get some opera gloves as well. Should be a grand time.

Anyway, I have some links I can hook you up with until I come up with some other sort of inspiration.

I haven't read this yet but it looks cool. A serial horror story that gets updated every Halloween.

Who would have thought that in his second coming Christ would take the form of a Hammerhead Shark?

Here's a great story that I found to be quite inspirational. This woman has been playing "what would happen if..." since she was a child. In a recent round she discovers what happens if you buy 25 bottles of Nyquil. We really need to start playing this game. We should come up with a list on the way to the beach and see what we can discover.

Billy Graham tells us why being a good person just isn't good enough. I thought he was dead, anyhow? Nevermind, that's Jerry Falwell. I can't keep those televangelist bastards straight.

Remember that magazine, Cracked? You know, as a kid you thought it was a second-rate version of MAD Magazine? Well, I hadn't thought about it for years until I was surfing around the other day and came across a link. There's actually some funny stuff on the site. For instance, here's a list of useful Italian phrases. You should look around once you get there. I found several articles that had me in fits.

Proof that what we first believe to be true isn't always true

I recently uncovered the following article about one of my "favorite" (using the term very loosely) people who occasionally inspires me to early a healthy and less than 6 grams of fat Subway Sub instead of a million other worse-for-me foods.

Now I feel shocked and betrayed! (Not on the same scale as the whole Clinton- Lewensky betrayal but you get my general dismay...)

Read on...

"You’ve come to know and love him as Jared Fogle, the guy who lost over 200 pounds by eating nothing but Subway sandwiches alone. As a result, he went from being just plain ol’ “Jared” to the much more exciting “Jared Fogle, the Subway Guy.”
Well, it turns out in college, the All-American Jared was known for something entirely different. According to our source, while studying at Indiana University, Fogle ran a very successful pornography rental company out of his bedroom. His porn collection was vast and extensive, and Fogle rook his business pretty seriously. A video would run a patron a dollar a day (cheap!), and people would come from all over to take advantage of the deal. Needless to say, Jared had enough porn to keep his customers happy.
As far as his incredible weight loss goes, it turns out it wasn’t as motivated as you would think. In fact, what got Jared hooked on Subway in the first place was laziness. The sandwich chain had opened a branch on the first floor of Jared’s dorm, and what with his busy porn company, Jared began eating the sandwiches out of extreme laziness. It was the closest fast food available! Just imagine how different our lives would be if an Arby’s had opened up there instead? We’d probably be watching Jared on some TLC special about how he hasn’t gotten out of bed for 6 years. Though, we imagine his right arm would still be in tip-top shape."

Yikes! So sheer laziness and porn can help a person to lose 200 pounds??? I only need to lose about 20- how much lazy-porn combo will that take? Bring it on!!!

18 Hour Blonde Moment

This weekend I went out of town to visit some friends. I spent Friday night in Virginia with one friend and then traveled with him to see some other friends in Maryland on Saturday and Sunday. When going to MD, I mistakenly left my phone charger in my own car in VA. My battery was getting low by the time I got back to VA around 1 or 2 am Monday morning. I didn't realize there was a problem until I was ready for bed and I heard my phone making the "battery is almost dead" noise. I should explain that this phone is rather new to me (it's shelley's old one because I dropped mine in the toilet--another blonde moment). Since acquiring this phone, I have been unable to turn it off. I hold in the little button with red on it (apparently this is called the "end button") and nothing happens. It didn't really concern me until now. I just thought "oh well maybe it's an old phone; maybe there's something wrong with it". I mentioned this to my friend at 2 am Monday morning, then went to sleep. Around 11 am (still in bed) I heard my phone ring and as I picked it up to answer the call it went dead. I tried to charge it and by the looks of the little bar on the edge of the screen going up and down (the scrolling "battery power indicator"), it appeared to be working. After an hour or so I tried to turn it on (using that little button with the red on it) but nothing happened. I waited a little longer and tried again. Still nothing. I didn't really want to make the trip without my phone working so I hung around a while longer. My friend had gone to work by this time so I was there alone. The house phone didn't have long distance so I couldn't even check my messages. The only numbers I could have called that would not have been long distance were my dad and the cell phone of the friend I was staying with. Of course, I don't have these numbers memorized so without access to my cell phone contacts I was SOL. My phone company doesn't exist in Virginia. I didn't know the password to get online. I was totally incommunicado. I had also messed up the multimedia computer tivo thingy so that I could not even watch tv. I tried to call my MD friends collect but the operator said they don't accept collect calls. She asked if I wanted to charge it to the phone I was calling from so I did. I called my friend and asked her to look up an 800 number for my phone company. The tech support genius (pot...kettle) told me I should buy a new battery. I gave up on getting it working about then (2 hours after I had been ready to leave) and headed for home. I stopped at my office so I could call and check my messages (since I don't have a home phone). I then called the local Immix store and told the nice man my problem. He told me that if I stopped by he would look at it, which I promptly did. (Side note: After several months of observation and comparing stories with friends I've come to the conclusion that Immix apparently only hires hot 20ish men). I handed him my phone, he took the battery out, and stuck in a new one. I then noticed that when he tried to turn the phone on he used a different button (the "power key"), located on the top edge of the phone. I thought "oh fuck my battery's not dead, I just don't know how to turn on the damn phone". While he tested the new battery, I struggled to hold back sighs, groans, and other vocalizations of dismay as thoughts ran through my head of the 3 hours of wasted time I will never get back (or, as I was measuring it, the 8 or 9 Scrubs episodes I could have been watching while snuggled on my couch). Of course, I couldn't let on that I'm a complete moron. So I just let him give me a new (free) battery and was on my way. I called my friend in VA and told him the story. He said he had been thinking about asking to see my phone when I made the statement about not being able to turn it off but he didn't want to make me feel stupid. :)