Slave to the Man
I had a wonderful evening last night...thanks T & M! ...spent with friends over good food and drinks and relaxing, if not slightly sophomoric and x-rated conversation.
It was one of those rare moments spent without my children when the "adults" come out to play and let their hair down. Last night I was challenged (bring it on- G) to post to the blog and I was trying to think of something to say and nothing fabulous came to me. If you want me to rant and foam at the mouth about the government I'd need a few more drinks in me and I believe that my employer would frown on that (although perhaps a blog post would not be much more favorably viewed). Anyway, here goes....
Slave to the Man! vs. Slave to the Man?
I like to think of myself as progressive, free spirited, globally aware, and somewhat politically astute but other times I think I'm just a hypocrite in sheep's clothing. I often research ways to live on less, go green...simplify... but the very next day I am counting my cash and wistfully striving to afford the American dream...better house...cooler clothes...trendier car...more "things" etc...the list goes on. Wants become needs and suddenly I'm whining because of all that I don't have.
Or one day I will dream of early retirement or quitting my job and living self-sufficiently off grid on a quiet piece of land or on some exotic paradise in a grass hut selling seashells to tourists without the burden of materialistic possessions and the next day I'm jumping onto that treadmill and sweating getting my Master's degree so I can continue to play the "game" of getting ahead in this society.
Now I know that there are bigger problems out there and I am in no way ignoring the improtance of those issues or trying to make this particular dilema seem all-important compared to "real" problems but I find that it's a significant issue with me. I'm of two minds. It's my own internal inner struggle and I was wondering if anyone else feels it. It's a war between living responsibly and living selfishly. Keeping up with the Gores versus keeping up with the Jones. Run versus walk. Paring down versus building up. Classics versus pulp fiction. A dreamer enterpreneur versus a time-clock baby. Even lethargy and apathy versus mania. (That's a fun one!) If my pattern of behavior sometimes seems inconsistent to the outside observer, it may be because I have not found my "path" on this issue(s) and I'm still a slave to the multiple, countradicting messages that are put out there.
To sum it up using the world of the Smashing Pumpkins- "Despite all my rage I'm still just a rat in a cage."
Does this make any sense? I may just be overtired from staying up late last night or it could be that I spent all my energy clipping coupons, who knows? (Note: Quite possibly i's the PMS talking- I tend to get quite maudlin this time of the month. ) Does anyone else ever feel this way?
It was one of those rare moments spent without my children when the "adults" come out to play and let their hair down. Last night I was challenged (bring it on- G) to post to the blog and I was trying to think of something to say and nothing fabulous came to me. If you want me to rant and foam at the mouth about the government I'd need a few more drinks in me and I believe that my employer would frown on that (although perhaps a blog post would not be much more favorably viewed). Anyway, here goes....
Slave to the Man! vs. Slave to the Man?
I like to think of myself as progressive, free spirited, globally aware, and somewhat politically astute but other times I think I'm just a hypocrite in sheep's clothing. I often research ways to live on less, go green...simplify... but the very next day I am counting my cash and wistfully striving to afford the American dream...better house...cooler clothes...trendier car...more "things" etc...the list goes on. Wants become needs and suddenly I'm whining because of all that I don't have.
Or one day I will dream of early retirement or quitting my job and living self-sufficiently off grid on a quiet piece of land or on some exotic paradise in a grass hut selling seashells to tourists without the burden of materialistic possessions and the next day I'm jumping onto that treadmill and sweating getting my Master's degree so I can continue to play the "game" of getting ahead in this society.
Now I know that there are bigger problems out there and I am in no way ignoring the improtance of those issues or trying to make this particular dilema seem all-important compared to "real" problems but I find that it's a significant issue with me. I'm of two minds. It's my own internal inner struggle and I was wondering if anyone else feels it. It's a war between living responsibly and living selfishly. Keeping up with the Gores versus keeping up with the Jones. Run versus walk. Paring down versus building up. Classics versus pulp fiction. A dreamer enterpreneur versus a time-clock baby. Even lethargy and apathy versus mania. (That's a fun one!) If my pattern of behavior sometimes seems inconsistent to the outside observer, it may be because I have not found my "path" on this issue(s) and I'm still a slave to the multiple, countradicting messages that are put out there.
To sum it up using the world of the Smashing Pumpkins- "Despite all my rage I'm still just a rat in a cage."
Does this make any sense? I may just be overtired from staying up late last night or it could be that I spent all my energy clipping coupons, who knows? (Note: Quite possibly i's the PMS talking- I tend to get quite maudlin this time of the month. ) Does anyone else ever feel this way?
posted by virgo beemaiden | 8:06 AM
5 Comments:
"I am in no way ignoring the importance of those issues or trying to make this particular dilemma seem all-important compared to "real" problems"
The scary thing is that when we only consider ourselves, our individual choices hardly seem to matter...only there are 300 million of us all making similar decisions...suddenly our little, minor and trifling problems are "real" problems.
It is a very good thing to take a close look at your choices. Being of two minds, that inner conflict, is healthy: it means you are trying to work a serious problem. A much better alternative than simply giving up and buying an Escalade, and never again considering the issue. Feeling like a hypocrite is a natural result of nearly any self-reflection...don't sweat it, simply being aware that you're potentially a hypocrite puts you about three miles further ahead than the general population.
Hopefully, as time goes on, it will become more and more common to reflect on oneself, to begin to exercise the perspective muscle...and maybe one day even begin to see yourself as part of a bigger system. Hopefully this confusion and disarray are simply growing pains of a civilization...
I'll share a secret: Sometimes I wonder 'how' bad I should feel about climate change and species extinction. As I allow my mind to spiral out in wider and wider spheres of perspective, suddenly the ocean levels drop and fall by hundreds of feet over tens of thousands of years, extinction events wipe out vast swaths of unique creatures (and vast swaths are generated in the wake) over millions of years, continents crash together, mountain ranges rise and fall over hundreds of millions of years, climates change from jungle to desert back to jungle...farther and farther out until stars explode, are formed from the debris, and slowly cool into dark embers over billions of years...and then I'm sucked back into the small human space that if the water goes up by 3 feet in the next 50 years, it is going to fuck over a hell of a lot of people in a very wide range of fashions, from displacement to overcrowding to loss of real estate to loss of farmland...how is this for scary: http://wps.prenhall.com/esm_thurman_introocean_9/0,7305,348099-,00.html
Is it all just the natural evolution of the universe? I wonder from nature's perspective if I'm worrying about nothing, if, being an animal, if today is the most important day of your life...or, if being a human, I should care about the future...
Thanks G for understanding my dilemma. Christ man, I reread the post before I published it and thought I may be sounding like a "crazy" !
I wonder if I'm not maybe just a little too old to be still discovering myself and working out my desires and values..but who knows? Maybe it never gets any easier because the world keeps on changing (and like you mentioned not for the better).
I can't imagine life getting any better or easier to understand in our lifetimes, but that doesn't mean you should give up on trying. I think that (for the lack of a better term at the moment) teenage angst is something that no one ought to ever let go of, that dissatisfaction with the way things are that usually slides into complacency...that happens generation after generation, and it really shouldn't, as it holds back meaningful progress on fundamental issues. Fucking Martin Luther King wasn't complacent...
virgo beemaiden, you are absoltely not alone with the inner struggle between living responsibly and living selfishly. There are so many times when I catch myself wanting & wanting....wanting things that I think will make me happy. And I want to throw my arms up and say fuck it all, why should I care about the future of this planet? I won't be around to see it anyway. But then it just makes me feel so guilty, guilty for thinking only of myself and what I think I "need" that will make me happy.
For instance, I want to build a house. There is a part of me that thinks that my life would be better in some way if I have a nice house with all the little details that I would enjoy. Now I don't want anything fancy or huge or unreasonable. But there are certain things that I would really enjoy having...more windows, a screened in porch, a garage, lots of windows, a slate shower, more windows, slate floors. And also, a big part of wanting to build a house is that I want to build it for passive and active solar heat & hot water to reduce the amount of energy we need to use from the grid.
But then I feel guilt about "wanting" those things as opposed to "needing" them. I do not need a new house, I want it. And I want it because I've convinced myself that I need it to be happier. It is a terrible struggle within me right now.
It sucks, it often times sucks trying to do right by the future.
Right now I am reading a very good book about Buddhism & Consumerism. Hopefully it will guide me to figure it out, find a balance. I highly reccommend this book to you and to anyone else who has similiar inner struggles.
I am a nihilist so most people would probably find my thoughts crazier and more angering than yours beemaiden. For starters, we don't know that living is better than dying and if it is not then it doesn't really matter if we ruin the world. No one will be able to live on this planet when we are through, but does that matter? It's hard in a short comment to put into words what I'm trying to say, so I'll direct you here: http://www.pointlesswasteoftime.com/horror.html
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