Engrish Locks

I had to go on a work-related roadtrip today. The trip there was quick and uneventful. I would even call it pleasant. Not too much traffic. Good music. I even arrived in time to scope out a Starbucks before heading to my meeting (as many people know, being early - or even on time - is monumental for me). The return trip didn't go as well. First of all, I took a wrong turn before even getting a mile from the meeting place because I was on a work-related call (the post-meeting glass of Lambrusco had nothing to do with it). I realized before the turn was even complete that it was wrong (I hear Dr. Cox chiming "wrong-wrong wrong-wrong, wrong-wrong wrong-wrong"), but TOO LATE (now I hear Nicholas Cage in the Vampire's Kiss crazily chanting "too late, too late); there was no possible way to undo it. I was then stuck on the PA Turnpike for a half hour (what road only has exits every 30 miles for God's sake?!). There's no way off of the damn thing unless you want to drive through some cow pastures (which I did consider) and then who knows where the hell you would end up anyway. Could be reminiscent of Deliverance. I then discovered that my stupid driver's side window was broken. So I'm stopping at stupid toll booths paying stupid money to drive on a stupid road that I didn't even want to be on and having to open up my stupid door to get the stupid tickets and pay the stupid toll booth operators (okay, maybe money's not stupid). Not to mention how inconveniencing it is for a smoker to be unable to put the window down. I had to create an ashtray out of a SoBe bottle and put it in my console (as my ghetto-ass cup holders are not big enough to hold SoBe bottles). Because of the placement of my console, each time I flicked my ashes (which was many many times during the course of my 4-hour-but-should-have-been-2-hour trip home) I had to extend my arm in an unnatural and almost painful manner (thanks for the good back-cracking Toddy). Then I spilled my iced tea all over my favorite possessions (my cd's) and had to listen to the goddamn radio. Oh, and I almost forgot one of my favorite parts. This is a testament to how well my coping skills work. I stopped at a "service plaza" along the turnpike to look for a map because although I knew where I was and I was not lost persay I thought maybe I could find a faster way to get to my destination without having to turn around and go back the way I came. I went inside and was told that sometimes the Burger King sells maps. I approached the counter and two 2o-ish women asked if they could help me. I asked if they had any maps. One of them said "what kind of maps?" I answered, "well any kind of maps." The other of the two asked, "A turnpike map or a Pennsylvania map?" I said "either would be fine". They both then stated that they had no maps at all. I fought back the urge to ask, "then why did you engage me in this conversation? A simple no would have sufficed. No. No maps. We have NO MAPS". They could have even said "we don't have any fucking maps" and that would have been better. But I remained calm, continued on my map quest, and eventually found my way home. But I have decided it was all worth it as I learned of an amusing website on the trip (that and I found another Starbucks along the turnpike - I can sniff those suckers out anywhere. I'm actually still enjoying my grande decaf extra-hot no-whip mocha as I type).

Anyhoo, you should check out engrish.com. As I understand it, Asian languages are the most difficult languages to translate to English. According to the FAQ, Engrish is a collection of humorous English mistakes that appear in Japanese advertising and product design.

Good thing I wasn't on my way to the bathroom when I took that wrong turn:



And in case you were wondering, the President sticks to black curry made with bouillions of pain. And he likes it. Wonder where I can get some of those bouillions. There are a few people I'd like to cook for.

You can buy Engrish merchandise too.

I don't know why I find it so funny. Ever since Long Duk Dong in Sixteen Candles I've found the way Asian people talk funny. This is probably getting me one more step closer to hell. Speaking of hell, if you're wondering what circle you're going to, you can find out here. I'm a lustful heretic apparently and (not for nothing...using the art of math) I will be spending eternity in the second level of hell.